Tuesday, 31 January 2017

A Politician Speaks To The Press About His Intention To Monitor 'Fake News'.

I am the arbiter of truth,
I shall not let the coarse, uncouth
Ideas of our age exist.
They won't get past me, so desist,
Toe the line or know my wrath.
No reader needs to be a sleuth,
To question, as he did in youth,
I'll filter all, you'll not resist
The arbiter.
I know it tempts you in your sloth
To write what I say's right.  My tooth
Is sharp, I bite, so do not twist
Your words, but keep a little mist,
Don't probe, write only what will soothe
The arbiter.

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

A Clinton Supporter Decides To Join the Women's March On The Day After Trump's Inauguration

I feel the need for confrontation,
There are fascists almost everywhere.
I mean to go on a demonstration,
I need to show the world I care
About the earth and refugees, I swear
I’ll not let Trump change this nation,
We choose love, not hate, so there!
I feel the need for confrontation
The fascists need an education,
I’ll wear no clothes, just my lacy underwear
And shout about the benefits of globalisation.
There are fascists almost everywhere
But caring women are really rare
Those rust belt bitches deserve eternal damnation,
I mean to be seen in the public square
 I mean to go on a demonstration
Show the world can be a better place, if we use imagination,
Imagine how the world would now be equal and fair
If only Trump had been shot at his inauguration.
I need to show the world I care
I’ll wear a hijab and cover my hair,
I’ll scream  ‘we want lots more immigration’,
I’ll shout the Muslim call to prayer
And demand an end to our country’s isolation;
I feel the need.

Monday, 23 January 2017

503 Back End Fetch Failed!

This was an error code that came up when I tried to look at the Spectator.  As I couldn't I decided to write a childish, poem instead. (I'm going for. a 503, I may be some time.)

I did try, 
Sat there straining,
But I'd run out of suppositories,
I wanted to cry,
It was like giving birth.
I pushed and pushed
With strength that should have moved Heaven and earth,
There's no point in explaining.
But, on the bright side,
I saw stars, and thought of Elvis,
Gyrating, or was it writhing in agony?
I imagined passing out,
Like he did,
Thought of my life,
Ending like this,
With knickers round my knees,
My face contorted,
Longed for it to pass out,
Thought of calling the midwife,
Or the Fire Brigade,
And beg them "Help! Please!"
But they'd think I was taking the piss,
I might be reported,
For wasting time.
There was pain, in my side and my pelvis,
I think I wailed.
There was nothing for it,
My attempt must be aborted,
I would have to use soap, like they probably did during the war,
Or in Victorian times.
Then I remembered a phrase that I'd heard before,
When something on the internet had stopped working
"503 back end fetch failed"
I hadn't known what it had stood for,
But now it made sense to me:
There was a number one, a number two and number 503.


Friday, 13 January 2017

English Country House Dog



The dog knows that I know
That she fell off the bed last night,
Sleepily scratching imagined fleas
So now she takes her repose
In the middle,
Curled up tight,
On top of my tired legs
And when I try to make her move
She begs not to be disturbed and sighs
And her lovely eyes reprove,
And she refuses to budge
Embodying insistence
Even as I nudge with my creaking knees.
She just slumps down firmly on my fat thighs.
You see she blames me
And it's happened before
And like the school mistress she was in her previous existence,
She's not prepared to ignore my bad manners anymore.
Something about the way she harumphs
Suggests that she thinks
That the only way for us to ensure we both get a good sleep,
Is for me to kip on the floor.




Wednesday, 11 January 2017

The Garden Forager



"How lovely to see you, mwah, mwah,
Come in, come in - blah blah blah,
I've made a little lunch, I'm a forager,
No, no, I've abandoned the pottager,
Sooooo last year, I've fried us some ceps,
They're rather retro, and a puff ball.
Do you know I haven't been to Waitrose for a week?
Of course I'm lucky,
Having such a large place in which to seek,
I barely need to shop at all,
I just open the door, take a few steps,
And there, by the wall,
Is this marvelous protein,
Did you know Amaranth's the new Quinoa?"

Mrs May's 'Shared Society' As A Cure For Mental Illness

I have a variety
Of worries and woes
I suffer anxiety,
And sometimes it shows
And I don't always act with propriety:
I've been known to throw bricks at my foes.
But here's Mrs May, to save the day
With her wonderful Christian piety,
See how she leads the way,
Through the darkness in my mind,
Like the Dong with the luminous nose.
See how she seems to find
A cure, because she's kind,
She's making a shared society,
See how her goodness glows!

Sunday, 8 January 2017

Nick Cohen (Rondeau)

Don't call me pessimistic Nick,
Uncertainty just makes me sick.
I like things as they were before
I like stability, therefore,
If we need change, don't make it quick.
I may well be narcissistic,
tend to the apocalyptic,
but really I've no other flaw,
Don't call me pessimistic.
For change is just a dirty trick
the rug pulled from one's feet and flick!
One finds oneself upon the floor.
The future should be one great bore,
like me, I'm a tad autistic.
Don't call me pessimistic.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

A Summary Of The Government's Defence Of Its Position To The Supreme Court (in iambic pentameter as much as possible),

The power of sovereign states, with each other to contract, upon the international plane, has been established long.  Within our United Kingdom's constitution it is now, and ever has been, governments who exercise the powers and who conduct our business on the international plane. The Government does so in exercise of its prerogative, a vital part of modern business conduct between states.

Our Kingdom's system is a DUALIST one. And sometimes Acts of government upon the international plane may then impact directly, more or less, domestic law.  But treaties cannot execute themselves and obligations, individual rights, which they create, from time to time, must be allowed into domestic law, if they are to be recognised by and enforced in UK courts. It's parliament who keeps the gate and lets them in (or not).

A consequence of this position's not implicitly to bind the government, determining how it might later act, in relation to these treaties on the international plane. To implement a treaty's rights and such, by legislating in the parliament, is doing what our system needs, requires.

Our sovereign parliament might monitor, constrain an action by the government upon the international plane of law, that matter is entirely distinct from questions as to whether or to how
our parliament might choose to then allow such obligations and such rights as were created on the international plane, into the sphere of our domestic law.  When parliament wishes to alter from the usual position and impose some form of prior constraint, the government's prerogative upon, impeding it from ent'ring into, or withdrawing from  such treaties as exist, it makes that clear.

There is a conduit, it is an act, drawn up in AD 1972, The European Communities Act,   (ECA)
Which is the means by which we give effect in the domestic sphere, in UK law, to treaty obligations and such rights, as government did enter into when 'twas acting on the international plane.  But implications can't be carried here, the act sets out no thoughts about such times in future, when an action or decision's made upon that other plane, the plane
Of international law.

An individual's obligations and his rights, given effect by ECA within our own domestic law, are those existing under (as they do, from time to time) the treaties.  So let us define:

Those are the rights created, made, therefore, (or altered or removed) as a result of government, when acting on it pow'rs prerogative,  from time to time, upon the plane of international law.

Specific'ly, it's plain that rights referred  to, may be added to, amended or diminished or removed, entirely by government, when acting on the international plane, participating in the processes: Negotiating, Voting and Agreement, which lead to changes in the EU law.  The fundamental basis upon which the ECA proceeds is thus:  There will be changes to the EU rights and obligations through the exercise of powers prerogative. And these will take effect within our law, to add to, or amend or to remove, such rights as might before have been existent here in law.

It follows that such rights that then exist, through conduit of ECA, contingent are, upon the alteration of those rights, (including their removal) by the government engaging in the processes described above, on changes to EU's legal regime, all of which involves the exercise
of Government - its powers prerogative.

And none of that is made subject, within the ECA: conditions there are none -
No prior authority, legislative, whenever rights existing previously are altered or removed, it would be unsustainable to try. To conclude otherwise does not make sense:  Since its inception, EU law has been a shifting thing, in nature changeable.

The District Court concluded at the heart of this there lay a binding principle, an overriding principle, in play. The principle's effect was to require authority of legislature, prior to government taking such steps as they saw fit, using their prerogative pow'r.  Since such steps might lead to alteration of the law, then parliament, BEFORE such steps the government might take, must legislate.  The District Court takes statements which are known, uncontroversial statements such as that:  A treaty cannot execute itself, the government in general cannot act
inconsistently with it, or so as to alter legislation and infers a broader new interpretation which is quite divorced from all reality of Government action on the international plane.

The true position is that government acts using the power prerogative and this does alter our domestic law, does so in various ways: specific'ly it does so consistently with legislation, as it is with the ECA. It's not consistent with the ECA and with its function in a dualist system (ours) to reason from the fact that the ECA, the conduit into domestic law, for internation'ly established rights and obligations, to a proposition that powers prerogative, to alter or withdraw from said rights thereby abrogated are.




















Tuesday, 3 January 2017

A Sonnet For A Period

I have compared thee to a vile high tide,
Your dark red lumps to flotsam, and I know
That I shall do this thing again, beside
The bed, in dead of night, amidst the flow,
The ceaseless flow that soaks the sheets and brings
Back awful memories. But it's not sea,
It's not the full moon pull that is the spring's,
That really comes to mind, but childhood's pee,
The great release beneath my feather quilt
Dispensing of the need to wake and walk
The corridor, where ghosts made out of guilt
Lurk, who taunt and jeer and sneer as they stalk,
Reminding me the night's not over yet:
When morning comes I'm always soaking wet.


Monday, 2 January 2017

Hull, New Year's Eve just before 2017



City of culture, my arse!
City of nothing new,
City of no one here's posh,
Nobody's feeble, southern, nesh!
City where I belong
With my black, net thong 
Featured in the Mail -
Daily, not Hull!
City of Full view
Of giant, fat, pale
Hemispheres of flesh,
City of buttocks of fish wives,
More eloquent in their mooning flash
Their national, tabloid, internet splash
Than any amount of explaining.
City of fuck you!