Tuesday, 10 December 2019

Are You a Claviphobe?



How dare you imply
That just because only a very small minority
Collect clavichords that it is right to deny
Them public funding for their hobby?
And what about the virginals lobby
How can you justify
Your continued ignorance on this subject?
Why should we elect
A man who can’t detect the difference between the two
And who thinks young women can learn the piano instead?
I’m telling you,
Boris, if you don’t wake up, your political career is dead.
The woke don’t joke.
If you don’t find the money for the restoration
Of my coffin virginals’s pen work decoration
We will vote for the other bloke,
Understand?
Jeremy knows how to fund a minority
And how to legislate
To let them dominate the debate.
If you do not up your ideas buck
And start to understand the gradation
Of tone, available to the small harpsichord spectrum,
If you don’t stop blethering about the superior sonority
Of the Steinway grand
If you don’t have the pluck
Or the will
Of even a late 16th century plectrum,
Or quill,
And try and claim the state
Cannot fund every little interest group,
You’ll be in the soup:
We’ll accuse you of hate.
Promise the dosh and don’t back slide,
Or you won’t be welcome at our conference this year,
Which is taking place in Malta,
We’ll send you away with such a flea in your ear,
And such a kick up the backside,
Or rear, 
You’ll be dancing La Volta! 

Monday, 9 December 2019

Carrie Symonds’s Misgivings.




I’m going to a temple, so I’ll have to wear a sari,
I have no wish to be mistaken for an old fashioned Tory,
One has to look chic, when canvassing the Sikh vote,
And yet one doesn’t wish to strike a distracting wrong note,
Accusations of Cultural appropriation,
Would fill me with dread, make me wish I were dead.
One shouldn’t court the woke crowd’s disapprobation.
Yet one must blend in, in every situation,
Still I won’t let Bozzer wrap a turban round his head.