Hello, you have reached God,
Via the Welby Hotline,
Be assured this service is truly divine,
Though it may not quite be what was meant
By two or three gathered together in My name.
To allow Him to deal with your request
Please select from the following options:
Press one if you are distressed
About your local church having been closed
Since the third Sunday in Lent,
Yes, it’s a shame
But what can we do, these are the regulations.
Press two if you’re concerned about the adoption
Of woke attitudes by the clergy
When they are supposed
To be focusing on Christian teaching.
We know your frustrations,
But you’re old fashioned and you’ll soon be dead
And we need to please younger congregations,
Press three, if you have found the preaching
Of the Gospel according to St Greta
Not much better
Than an out loud Guardian reading,
Good, then we must be succeeding
In creating the right impression.
Press four for someone strumming a guitar
Having a jamming session
While singing some formless tune without cadences.
Press five if you’d like Britain’s star
To rejoin the circle of the twenty seven,
Press six for our new range of incense fragrances
That signal virtue, let your friends know how holy you are
And smell like Heaven.