Wednesday, 17 January 2018

Safe Space Soldier’s Darkest Hour

(The quotations to be read in your best imitation of Churchill, the rest in your best camp voice)

“We shall fight on the seas and the oceans”,
Though we shall stop, throughout the day,
Turn to the east,
Kneel down, bow low, and pray
At length.
“We shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength
In the air,”
If we dare,
Because we are not super heroes,
And some of us are gay,
Which means more sensitive about not wanting to die,
But we’ll do our best and have a try.
“We shall fight on the landing grounds”
Though our landing craft are on loan
From the French. We won’t moan
About our lack of equipment
But we might cry, 
Because we are a regiment
Of big girls, which is perfectly OK.
“We shall defend our island
Whatever the cost may be.”
“We shall fight on the beaches,”
And take selfies and go skinny dipping in the sea,
And admire how basic training 
Has improved our glutes, our booty,
So now our little arses look just like peaches.
“We shall fight in the fields and in the streets”,
And it will be real, no cheats,
No jumping to the next level, it’s not a game,
Which is a shame,
Because the only reason I joined up 
Was because the recruiter said it was a ‘Call of Duty’.
“We shall fight in the hills”, even though they’re boring
And nobody takes any notice of you,
You’re not really seen,
Because there’s hardly anyone there,
Except fitness freaks
Deliberately ignoring
How good you look, because they’re jealous.
“We shall never surrender,”
As we’re sensitive and tender
And we wouldn’t want to spend time 
In a foreign prison, where they might be mean.
You see,
Our island is our safe space,
And whatever your creed, gender, or race,
Gay or straight,
You have a right to live without hate,
You have a right to be free.

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